Topic: General Jokes
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
I'm sick of door to door sales people. I just had one from the sperm bank. F**k I gave her a mouthful................ .
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun, But finds his little brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undaunted they get in the top bunk. He says to the girl, we will use a code, If you want it harder say "Lettuce". If you want a different position say "Tomato".......
Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomato, Lettuce she says........ After awhile his brother shouts "Will you two stop making F**king sandwiches, The mayonaise is dripping all over my face" | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
I'm passing this message on to you because it worked for me.
I have found inner peace.
The way to do this is to finish the things you start.
I looked around this morning and saw the things I had started...... So I finished ....... The Vodka, the Baileys, some red wine, the Ice cream and the Valium. You have no idea how F**king peaceful I feel now. lol | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
Camel Sex
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay " They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
____________________________________________________ The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
_________________________________________________________________ A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers. | ||||||
----------------------------------------------------- Lead me not into temptation I know my own way there
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
Some one liners for ya
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody, Nobody is Perfect, Therefore I am Perfect.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf, And I pray to my Dog.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
When you work here, you can name your own salary, I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too, Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you, Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his Bus. | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
ALL PUNS INTENDED....
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, He suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did. | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
*IDIOT SIGHTINGS*: We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B & D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We haven't used this repairman since. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. It is best not to confuse the teenagers at McD's. `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These remind me of the young woman at the Northern Territory Wildlife Park, who wouldn’t give my daughter a student concession, which was available for students of Australian universities because my daughter was a student at the University of Tasmania. She was convinced that Tasmania didn’t count as part of Australia because it’s separated by the sea.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and ….. they REPRODUCE ………………….. | ||||||
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Dottie Member Posts: 321 |
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament. | ||||||
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Hazza Site Owner Posts: 180 |
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when... 1.. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. (originally an email) 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list | ||||||
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-- Face your Fears Live your Dreams
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